Draft 1 of 7 · after Philadelphia, 1776
The Unanimous Declaration of the People of Epping
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for the people of Epping to dissolve the bands which have connected them with whichever council collects their bins, and to assume among the powers of the earth the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of the neighbours requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all residents of Epping are created equal; that they are endowed with certain unalienable rights; and that among these are life, liberty, and a parking spot within walking distance of home.